The Ten Chingchangchongments
ONE
Drive poorly, so you won't get killed by everyone else who's driving poorly.
Run red lights, start driving on the wrong side of the road, turn left out of the right-hand lane... anything goes as long as you don't die.
Funny aside: Mary Ann and I got into a car crash a couple weeks ago. The car we hit blindly pulled out of a narrow alley directly into the middle of a busy road, and then slowed down once directly in our path. Of course, the driver was Asian. The kicker? Also a woman. We didn't stand a chance. Fortunately, MA slowed down enough in time to prevent us from breaking any bones; she got a few patches of fresh black-and-blues and I got a dinged-up elbow. I escaped the collision so relatively unscathed because I executed a flawless shoulder roll mid-air and landed with ninja-like softness. I swear, that's exactly how it went down.
TWO
Beware the snakes and spiders.
I read online that Taiwan has the highest concentration of poisonous snakes anywhere on earth. And they're fucking everywhere. MA has spotted two roadside, and we both had a little run in with a spicy seven-foot number last month on a hike. I was walking in front on this narrow path through the woods and suddenly MA screamed my name, and when I looked down this huge fucking snake was about my penis' length away from my foot (~9 inches), and it was as fat as a baseball bat (just like my penis). So I freaked and bolted forward up the path about 30 feet, high stepping like a little girl who runs funny. Death averted. When we were going back down the path later on, the snake was still around, this time laying directly across and blocking our way. We were standing there waiting for the fucker to move out of our way for a solid ten minutes, giving me a chance to take a few pictures of it.
As for the spiders, apparently this species called cane spiders are really prevalent here, and they're about the size of a girl's hand. MA and I have only found one of these in our apartment (thankfully), though MA did make me help her catch that one (which sucked) and now it's one of her pets. Catching that thing took forever and involved several makeshift traps, none of which worked all that well because this spider can move scary fast. Finally getting it into a cage was pretty sweet though because it let us look at this sucker real up-close.
THREE
Is this my dinner, or did you just poop on a plate?
A lot of the food here is pretty gross. To be fair, there's also plenty that's quite good. The fruit and noodles are great, as are the dumplings. There's even a sweet hibachi restaurant that only costs about $4 a person, and a locally famous scallion pancake vendor (if you've never tried a scallion pancake, do it) But a lot of the more "traditional" foods here are just, well, yucky. The school MA and I teach at had this big dinner to celebrate "ghost month" a few weeks ago, and my boss made me eat five of the most expensive item on the menu for that evening: chicken testicles. I'm not sure how many of you have ever had a ball pop/explode in your mouth (I'm surely not the only one; I'm looking at you Zach), but my advice is to never try it. After I forced myself to swallow the last one, I felt like I might deposit all five back onto the table so I excused myself and bolted for the bathroom. Thank god I didn't puke those up. It's one thing to eat balls, and a whole different thing to vomit balls. My boss told me that people in Taiwan think men should eat these testicles because they make you more virile. This strikes me as taking the concept of aphrodisiacs a tad too far. Do I get even more sex power if I eat human balls? By eating 5 chicken balls, does this mean I have the sexual potency of one adult male and 2.5 adult chickens? I guess I'll have to ask one of the asians to help me do the math.
Other "interesting" delicacies include the intestines of various animals (which MA, quite accurately, says taste like septic tank), non-headless shrimp, mayo-slathered steamed bamboo, and "stinky tofu". This last tasty treat emits a stench so potent that I can catch a whiff from halfway down the block on a windless night. If I had to try to match words to this unique odor, I'd say it smells like the tofu was cooked in a solution consisting of hot sewer water and low end cat food. I can proudly say that I have not given this "classic" Taiwanese dish a try yet, despite assurances that it doesn't taste as bad as it smells. What a ringing endorsement. I'll stick to cheeseburgers and french fries, thank you very much.
FOUR
No one can say my name right, even remotely.
All the ching-chang-chongers call me by a new name they have unknowingly given to me: Gweguh. Think is has a chance to catch on back in the states? Yeah, I hope not too.
FIVE
Carrefour is Mecca.
Carrefour is apparently the french equivalent to Wal-Mart. This means that they carry much more products from America and Europe (you know, the civilized part of the world) than any other stores here do. This is where MA and I got our Wii (but it's all in Japanese, wah-wahh). It's also where we get our fixes of Americana, mainly Oreo's and Pringles. There's also a stand in the store that sells fresh corn dogs, so you can eat a corn dog while shopping for a new lufa because your old one unraveled in the shower yesterday while you were scrubbing your ass (Baller!).
SIX
At all times, know where the nearest Western-style toilet is.
If you've never experienced a squat toilet, google it. It's basically just a hole in the ground. Apparently Asia keeps installing these shitholes because some people actually prefer them to Western style toilets (because your bum doesn't have to touch anything).
I'd love to say that I've never had to use one of these, that I've just conducted all of my poo-poo business in the Western-style privacy of my own apartment (where there is not one, but two Western-style toilets!). But sadly, much of Taiwanese cuisine is prone to inducing instant d, which has made squatting a necessity on several occasions. Yucky.
SEVEN
Don't go in the ocean.
Actually, this is one of the Taiwanese's rules for themselves. They believe in this legendary tidal occurence called the Crazy Dog Wave, a freak wave that crashes the shores of Taiwan once in a lifetime and washes everyone near the water away. Therefore, beaches are largely deserted except for a handful of brave fishermen and foreigner surfers. Of course, Crazy Dog Waves do not actually exist, and probably came into myth because of the occasional tidal wave or two. So MA and I go swimming all the time on a lovely, deserted beach that's only a three minute walk from our apartment. Its one of the few places where we can be outside and not get gawked at. Apparently the people in our region don't see white people much. They all think I'm some super hunk and MA has the biggest rack ever (she doesn't, you do Mariel!).
One cool story about the ocean here, one night when we went swimming there was this special iridescent algae in the water that made any part of my body that was moving underwater look like it was glowing with green sparkles. I think the potency of this magical effect was also heightened by two factors: the brightness of the full moon that night, and the proximity of the sewage treatment plant to our beach.
*The Schafe-God's brain now hurts from writing and will strike with more Chingchangchongments at some time other than now. Until then, your mantra for meditation and reflection is the name of one of my sugar gliders: Warren Peace*
